From A Broken Heart.
September 26, 2005
(this entry has been edited to protect those involved)
Words cannot express the emotions and sentiment that bring me to write you this letter. It is a confusing, turbulent mix of anguish, sorrow, grief, bitterness, regret – and compassion. While I want to express to you our where our motivation lies for taking the actions that we have, I also want this to be a word of encouragement for you. I hope that after reading this, you will know how I feel, and perhaps we can all be one step closer to healing.
Where to begin. I find that, for me, it seems like life always has to sink in a bit before I can gain any perspective and form an opinion on it. I am never the person with the quick punch line, but I can often bring insight or thought to an issue of yesterday. Ever since June, it seems our family is in an ever-evolving state of gut-wrenching pain, mixed with bouts of peace, some phases of denial: overall a constant, face-to-the-earth cry out for answers from heaven. How could this happen? Why did it happen? What do I do from here? As a mother. As a Christian. As a civilian. What does tomorrow hold? Is God here? Will He be there? I have had to completely rethink my image of who God is and how he interacts with me. Can I trust Him? Is He really sovereign? How am I going to get through another day of loneliness and hurt and confusion?
I have learned in this process that forgiveness in my soul and the detached, mechanical actions that I take in the midst are two separate issues. Two different files in my mind. I don’t want you to feel that the actions that we will take come from a place of anger or revenge. There is a place deep inside of me where I have to process my hurt, confront my questions and come to a place of submission to God’s sovereignty over my life and my child’s. Sometimes I think I am making progress, and other times I think it is a daily battle to just maintain ground. In that place, I am facing emotional and spiritual issues that cut to the core of who I am, and determine who I am on the other side of all this. But the decisions that we choose to make in response to the facts of this situation are according to counsel we have sought, and we go forth with them feeling that it is our responsibility to do such. Specifically, in the legality of it all, we have three objectives that I want to communicate to you.
First, it is an indisputable fact that the healing and closure in this matter are directly linked to our responses. Whether or not we project shame and negativity. Whether or not we dismiss trauma symptoms and pretend it never happened. Whether or not we do everything that is within our power to bring justice where an injustice has been committed. It seemed from your letter (which I appreciate and felt was from the heart) that you have some understanding of the long-term effects that this may have. But our job now is to do anything and everything in our power to sidestep and prevent lasting effects, and to encourage emotional, spiritual and physical growth toward the most healthy and normal path possible.
Secondly, we feel that part of your healing and rehabilitation is in learning the reality of cause and effect. Every behavior and action has a consequence, whether good or bad. Galatians 6:7 – Do not be deceived, God is not mocked; for whatever a man sows, this he will also reap. I am just not convinced that up to now, the punishments administered have fit the crime. I know that your family may not agree with me, and while we have requested an extensive detailing of what your consequences have been, we have not received anything substantial, and so confirms this decision. I am also aware that there is a field of thought out there that believes that legal prosecution of this matter is outside the boundaries of the Bible (as alleged in I Corinthians 6), but we do not feel these convictions (I Peter 2). We feel confident that our course of action is justified, and that it is in your long-term, best interest.
Third, … … I am aware that you have expressed remorse, and I am not minimizing that. I don’t doubt that this is difficult for you and for your family, but I feel that it is the justified, appropriate and most beneficial recourse.
My main motivation for writing this letter is that I want to encourage you. I don’t honestly know that I can say that my heart feels full forgiveness at this point, because I still see the aftermath of this situation firsthand, and it is hard for me to accept this on a daily basis. But I do have a heart of love and compassion for the trying place that you find yourself in. I don’t want for you to feel that we harbor wrath or hatred for you. I don’t want you to feel abandoned or alone or hopeless. I don’t want for you to think that the world is against you, or that God does not still have a divine plan for you in all of this. I know that His forgiveness is boundless, and that His sovereignty stretches so far beyond our thoughts and emotions and opinions. I pray for you daily. I pray for your healing, for your restoration, for your encouragement and support. Jeremiah 29:11-14 “For I know the plans that I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans for welfare and not for harm, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all of your heart. I will be found by you,” declares the Lord. This scripture has meant a lot to me in the lonely places and the oppressive moments that I have encountered on this journey. When I feel like I am walking by myself, and no one understands the pain, and I don’t understand how God fits into all this, this verse reminds me that He is still in control. My emotions don’t have to dictate my behavior. I can rest in Him, even if the pain still hurts.
In closing, I want to reiterate that while this is a very hard time for our family, and while it isn’t practical to presume that things will ever go back to the way they were, that we have your best interest at heart. I truly want to see you come through this on top. I want to see God move in you in great ways. I pray that God would fly his banner of redemption over your life. That the path that lies ahead of you would be one of victory and not defeat, of God’s glory shining through weakness, and of Christ’s infallible truth conquering any lies that would cause you to stumble. I pray that some day we will tell of this incident, and how God turned ashes into beauty, and transformed two families, through his refining fire, into the radiant bride that we were all intended to be.
I hope that your heart can receive this with the spirit that it is intended. I will continue to uplift you and your family in prayer. I encourage you to keep this letter. If there are things that you don’t understand right now, know that as you grow and mature, things will become clearer. And if in those future moments, you have questions or doubts, you can come back to this letter, and know how I felt.
Sincerely,
Her Mother
From A Broken Heart.
September 26, 2005
(this entry has been edited to protect those involved)
Words cannot express the emotions and sentiment that bring me to write you this letter. It is a confusing, turbulent mix of anguish, sorrow, grief, bitterness, regret – and compassion. While I want to express to you our where our motivation lies for taking the actions that we have, I also want this to be a word of encouragement for you. I hope that after reading this, you will know how I feel, and perhaps we can all be one step closer to healing.
Where to begin. I find that, for me, it seems like life always has to sink in a bit before I can gain any perspective and form an opinion on it. I am never the person with the quick punch line, but I can often bring insight or thought to an issue of yesterday. Ever since June, it seems our family is in an ever-evolving state of gut-wrenching pain, mixed with bouts of peace, some phases of denial: overall a constant, face-to-the-earth cry out for answers from heaven. How could this happen? Why did it happen? What do I do from here? As a mother. As a Christian. As a civilian. What does tomorrow hold? Is God here? Will He be there? I have had to completely rethink my image of who God is and how he interacts with me. Can I trust Him? Is He really sovereign? How am I going to get through another day of loneliness and hurt and confusion?
I have learned in this process that forgiveness in my soul and the detached, mechanical actions that I take in the midst are two separate issues. Two different files in my mind. I don’t want you to feel that the actions that we will take come from a place of anger or revenge. There is a place deep inside of me where I have to process my hurt, confront my questions and come to a place of submission to God’s sovereignty over my life and my child’s. Sometimes I think I am making progress, and other times I think it is a daily battle to just maintain ground. In that place, I am facing emotional and spiritual issues that cut to the core of who I am, and determine who I am on the other side of all this. But the decisions that we choose to make in response to the facts of this situation are according to counsel we have sought, and we go forth with them feeling that it is our responsibility to do such. Specifically, in the legality of it all, we have three objectives that I want to communicate to you.
First, it is an indisputable fact that the healing and closure in this matter are directly linked to our responses. Whether or not we project shame and negativity. Whether or not we dismiss trauma symptoms and pretend it never happened. Whether or not we do everything that is within our power to bring justice where an injustice has been committed. It seemed from your letter (which I appreciate and felt was from the heart) that you have some understanding of the long-term effects that this may have. But our job now is to do anything and everything in our power to sidestep and prevent lasting effects, and to encourage emotional, spiritual and physical growth toward the most healthy and normal path possible.
Secondly, we feel that part of your healing and rehabilitation is in learning the reality of cause and effect. Every behavior and action has a consequence, whether good or bad. Galatians 6:7 – Do not be deceived, God is not mocked; for whatever a man sows, this he will also reap. I am just not convinced that up to now, the punishments administered have fit the crime. I know that your family may not agree with me, and while we have requested an extensive detailing of what your consequences have been, we have not received anything substantial, and so confirms this decision. I am also aware that there is a field of thought out there that believes that legal prosecution of this matter is outside the boundaries of the Bible (as alleged in I Corinthians 6), but we do not feel these convictions (I Peter 2). We feel confident that our course of action is justified, and that it is in your long-term, best interest.
Third, … … I am aware that you have expressed remorse, and I am not minimizing that. I don’t doubt that this is difficult for you and for your family, but I feel that it is the justified, appropriate and most beneficial recourse.
My main motivation for writing this letter is that I want to encourage you. I don’t honestly know that I can say that my heart feels full forgiveness at this point, because I still see the aftermath of this situation firsthand, and it is hard for me to accept this on a daily basis. But I do have a heart of love and compassion for the trying place that you find yourself in. I don’t want for you to feel that we harbor wrath or hatred for you. I don’t want you to feel abandoned or alone or hopeless. I don’t want for you to think that the world is against you, or that God does not still have a divine plan for you in all of this. I know that His forgiveness is boundless, and that His sovereignty stretches so far beyond our thoughts and emotions and opinions. I pray for you daily. I pray for your healing, for your restoration, for your encouragement and support. Jeremiah 29:11-14 “For I know the plans that I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans for welfare and not for harm, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all of your heart. I will be found by you,” declares the Lord. This scripture has meant a lot to me in the lonely places and the oppressive moments that I have encountered on this journey. When I feel like I am walking by myself, and no one understands the pain, and I don’t understand how God fits into all this, this verse reminds me that He is still in control. My emotions don’t have to dictate my behavior. I can rest in Him, even if the pain still hurts.
In closing, I want to reiterate that while this is a very hard time for our family, and while it isn’t practical to presume that things will ever go back to the way they were, that we have your best interest at heart. I truly want to see you come through this on top. I want to see God move in you in great ways. I pray that God would fly his banner of redemption over your life. That the path that lies ahead of you would be one of victory and not defeat, of God’s glory shining through weakness, and of Christ’s infallible truth conquering any lies that would cause you to stumble. I pray that some day we will tell of this incident, and how God turned ashes into beauty, and transformed two families, through his refining fire, into the radiant bride that we were all intended to be.
I hope that your heart can receive this with the spirit that it is intended. I will continue to uplift you and your family in prayer. I encourage you to keep this letter. If there are things that you don’t understand right now, know that as you grow and mature, things will become clearer. And if in those future moments, you have questions or doubts, you can come back to this letter, and know how I felt.
Sincerely,
Her Mother
The Road of Hard Obedience.
September 15, 2005
I find myself on a quest of sorts to discover why it is that so many people can call themselves Christians and yet act so contrary to the heart of God. I have in the past been nominated as the president of that group. Are we all in a state of hopeless rebellion? Is there a veil over the hearts of masses of society that keeps them in a false sense of security? And so I dig into the one source of truth to clarify where He has drawn lines in the sand on these issues.
One of the biblical distinctives of a true salvation is a heart of obedience towards God (rather than a continuing in sinful patterns of the past). Ephesians 2 characterizes the unsaved:
“Once you were dead, doomed forever because of your many sins. You used to live just like the rest of the world, full of sin, obeying Satan, the mighty prince of the power of the air. He is the spirit at work in the hearts of those who refuse to obey God. All of us used to live that way, following the passions and desires of our evil nature. We were born with an evil nature, and we were under God’s anger just like everyone else.”
Paul further contrasts this man with the regenerated believer,
“But thanks be to God that though you were slaves of sin, you became obedient from the heart to that form of teaching to which you were committed.”
This truth is embodied in the fruit of obedience. “You will know them by their fruits… every good tree bears good fruit, but the bad tree bears bad fruit.” Real Christianity manifests itself into the facets of our lives demanding change and revealing the new man to which Paul refers. The change that we actuate in our daily lives is motivated through two functions of the Holy Spirit. As sincere Christians, we hunger for the heart of God revealed through his Word, and when we step out of sync with the obedience that His truths command, we will feel the insistent weight of conviction.
This principle of obedience is demonstrated in scripture through the analogy of light and darkness. The Word continually challenges us to examine our hearts to know that we are truly saved – living in obedience and walking in the light.
There is a distinction to be made between transformation and perfection, and between the carnal nature of man and habitual sin as a lifestyle. Transformation is defined as “a process of change in character or condition” whereas perfection is “freedom from fault or defect.” Do you see the difference? The carnal nature of man is inherent to our humanity because of the fall, where habitual sin is a direct rebellion against the holiness of God. The fruit of our salvation grows out of the attitude with which we approach our sinful nature. The author of Hebrews sharply warns us against excusing our sinful tendencies.
“For if we go on sinning willfully after receiving the knowledge of the truth, there no longer remains a sacrifice for sins. How much severer punishment do you think he will deserve who has trampled under foot the Son of God, and has regarded as unclean the blood of the covenant by which he was sanctified, and has insulted the Spirit of grace? It is a terrifying thing to fall into the hands of the living God.”
It is ironic how we are so quick to make idols of God’s blessings in our lives. Resembling modern America, the Israelites often abandoned God in their abundance. “But when all was going well, your people turned to sin again.” The Israelites had a patterned of wavering back and forth between obedience and rebellion. The following prayer from Nehemiah 9 records five separate instances of rebellion – despite God’s distinct presence through kindness and correction. But the Israelite’s heritage of disobedience finally humbled this generation of Hebrew exiles. And in their conclusion, they acknowledge God’s supremacy and establish a new covenant of obedience:
“Every time You punished us You were being just. We have sinned greatly, and You gave us only what we deserved…Now because of this we are making an agreement…an oath to walk in God’s law…and to keep and observe all the commandments of God our Lord, and His ordinances and His statutes.”
God has various means of drawing us back to Him. We see Him speak blessings into our lives:
“Or do you think lightly of the riches of His kindness and tolerance and patience, not knowing that the kindness of God leads you to repentance?”
But He also will use trials and hardship:
“I now rejoice, not that you were made sorrowful, but that you were made sorrowful to the point of repentance; for you were made sorrowful according to the will of God, so that you might not suffer loss in anything through us. For the sorrow that is according to the will of God produces a repentance without regret, leading to salvation, but the sorrow of the world produces death.”
So let us take seriously the warning against habitual sin, examine ourselves and willingly choose to seek the Father’s heart through submission and obedience.
The Road of Hard Obedience.
September 15, 2005
I find myself on a quest of sorts to discover why it is that so many people can call themselves Christians and yet act so contrary to the heart of God. I have in the past been nominated as the president of that group. Are we all in a state of hopeless rebellion? Is there a veil over the hearts of masses of society that keeps them in a false sense of security? And so I dig into the one source of truth to clarify where He has drawn lines in the sand on these issues.
One of the biblical distinctives of a true salvation is a heart of obedience towards God (rather than a continuing in sinful patterns of the past). Ephesians 2 characterizes the unsaved:
“Once you were dead, doomed forever because of your many sins. You used to live just like the rest of the world, full of sin, obeying Satan, the mighty prince of the power of the air. He is the spirit at work in the hearts of those who refuse to obey God. All of us used to live that way, following the passions and desires of our evil nature. We were born with an evil nature, and we were under God’s anger just like everyone else.”
Paul further contrasts this man with the regenerated believer,
“But thanks be to God that though you were slaves of sin, you became obedient from the heart to that form of teaching to which you were committed.”
This truth is embodied in the fruit of obedience. “You will know them by their fruits… every good tree bears good fruit, but the bad tree bears bad fruit.” Real Christianity manifests itself into the facets of our lives demanding change and revealing the new man to which Paul refers. The change that we actuate in our daily lives is motivated through two functions of the Holy Spirit. As sincere Christians, we hunger for the heart of God revealed through his Word, and when we step out of sync with the obedience that His truths command, we will feel the insistent weight of conviction.
This principle of obedience is demonstrated in scripture through the analogy of light and darkness. The Word continually challenges us to examine our hearts to know that we are truly saved – living in obedience and walking in the light.
There is a distinction to be made between transformation and perfection, and between the carnal nature of man and habitual sin as a lifestyle. Transformation is defined as “a process of change in character or condition” whereas perfection is “freedom from fault or defect.” Do you see the difference? The carnal nature of man is inherent to our humanity because of the fall, where habitual sin is a direct rebellion against the holiness of God. The fruit of our salvation grows out of the attitude with which we approach our sinful nature. The author of Hebrews sharply warns us against excusing our sinful tendencies.
“For if we go on sinning willfully after receiving the knowledge of the truth, there no longer remains a sacrifice for sins. How much severer punishment do you think he will deserve who has trampled under foot the Son of God, and has regarded as unclean the blood of the covenant by which he was sanctified, and has insulted the Spirit of grace? It is a terrifying thing to fall into the hands of the living God.”
It is ironic how we are so quick to make idols of God’s blessings in our lives. Resembling modern America, the Israelites often abandoned God in their abundance. “But when all was going well, your people turned to sin again.” The Israelites had a patterned of wavering back and forth between obedience and rebellion. The following prayer from Nehemiah 9 records five separate instances of rebellion – despite God’s distinct presence through kindness and correction. But the Israelite’s heritage of disobedience finally humbled this generation of Hebrew exiles. And in their conclusion, they acknowledge God’s supremacy and establish a new covenant of obedience:
“Every time You punished us You were being just. We have sinned greatly, and You gave us only what we deserved…Now because of this we are making an agreement…an oath to walk in God’s law…and to keep and observe all the commandments of God our Lord, and His ordinances and His statutes.”
God has various means of drawing us back to Him. We see Him speak blessings into our lives:
“Or do you think lightly of the riches of His kindness and tolerance and patience, not knowing that the kindness of God leads you to repentance?”
But He also will use trials and hardship:
“I now rejoice, not that you were made sorrowful, but that you were made sorrowful to the point of repentance; for you were made sorrowful according to the will of God, so that you might not suffer loss in anything through us. For the sorrow that is according to the will of God produces a repentance without regret, leading to salvation, but the sorrow of the world produces death.”
So let us take seriously the warning against habitual sin, examine ourselves and willingly choose to seek the Father’s heart through submission and obedience.
A Sunday in September.
September 5, 2005
I will never be the same again,
I can never return, I’ve closed the door.
I will walk apart, I’ll run the race
And I will never be the same again.
Fall like fire, soak like rain,
Flow like mighty waters, again and again.
Sweep away the darkness, burn away the chaff,
And let a flame burn to glorify Your name.
There are higher heights, there are deeper seas,
Whatever you need to do, Lord do in me.
The Glory of God fills my life,
And I will never be the same again.
I grew up in a “Christian home.” Divorce. Sexual abuse. Family sin overlooked, swept under carpets. To silence reality, I enrolled in the masquerade of life: sanctimonious services on Sunday, chaotic busyness to mindlessly carry me from day to day, too many practices and recitals and games to really invest anything substantial into anything or anyone. Hurry to school, hurry to work, hurry to this, hurry to that, hurry to bed so we can hurry and start all over again tomorrow!
The central message that I received from my church-going experience was that if you “clocked in” for enough functions that God would honor your “sacrificial service” and that grace would be applied to the areas of your life found lacking, thereby rendering you “worthy.” So I attended services, worked in Children’s Church, sang in the youth choir and diligently knocked on door after door of my town asking that “oh-so-piercing” question, “If you were to die tonight, are you one hundred percent sure that you would go to heaven?” I remember once being asked by a depleted woman with a toddler on her leg, a baby on her hip and another child howling in the background, “How do you know?” And I remember looking at my “Witness Team” partner, my mind scrambling for an answer, thinking, “They didn’t go over this in the evangelism seminar!!” I also recall the various evangelists and speakers that made their way through our pulpit sharing their redemption from drugs and alcohol and other such elicit sins. I thought to myself, “I guess I don’t really have a ‘testimony’ since I have never experienced those prisons of sin that they refer to.” I couldn’t relate to the song above, “I will never be the same again,” but I thought it was just ‘like that’ for privileged church kids like myself.
Beth Moore states in her book, Breaking Free, that she didn’t realize that she was in bondage until God began to set her free. I can reflect back on life as a teenager and into early adulthood and see my steady spiral downward as I exploited every blessing in life seeking validation and purpose. I got pregnant at 16, married at 17, three kids by 20. I was doing my best to live the “Christian life” like I had been taught – be there when the doors were open, serve in ministries, keep your happy face on! But I was angrier and lonelier and more bitter than ever. I would like to say that those emotions were the secret thoughts of my heart when I couldn’t sleep at night, but as the truth of Luke 6:45 states: “The good man out of the good treasure of his heart brings forth what is good; and the evil man out of the evil treasure brings forth what is evil; for his mouth speaks from that which fills his heart.” Do you want to know what really filled my heart? “I can’t believe she sat by her in service instead of me! I bet she is mad at me. I think they were even talking about me after church!” And “How dare he give that solo to her. We both know that I sing better!” Those egocentric, destructive attitudes began to spill over into my ministries and my relationships. Add that to the mounting pressures of motherhood times three at such a young age – my castles of sand began to crumble.
Then one Sunday late in September a couple years ago, I met Jesus. Because of the souring of relationships at our existing fellowship, I [wrongfully] demanded that our family leave. So we were visiting a new church. As soon as the visiting revivalist at the church began his sermon, the Holy Spirit began whispering His own message into my heart. While I didn’t receive all the answers within that hour service, I knew enough to see that my entire life of pain and frustration and emptiness had led me to that moment, to that sermon, to that encounter with God. I knew then, “I don’t understand what is happening here, but I have to come back and get more!” So we returned to that revival crusade on Sunday night…and on Monday night…and on Tuesday night…every night for two weeks! As I reflect back on that sacred time, I can’t tell you which night’s sermon was the “moment of salvation” for me, but I can tell you that I will never be the same again! For the first time, I really saw God in all His majesty and power and sovereignty. I was broken beneath the weight of my sinfulness and the magnitude of Jesus’ sacrifice. I poured my heart out before the throne of grace and found true salvation. In that place of brokenness I was freed from the prisons of pride and bitterness and selfishness that I didn’t even realize I was in!
A Sunday in September.
September 5, 2005
I will never be the same again,
I can never return, I’ve closed the door.
I will walk apart, I’ll run the race
And I will never be the same again.
Fall like fire, soak like rain,
Flow like mighty waters, again and again.
Sweep away the darkness, burn away the chaff,
And let a flame burn to glorify Your name.
There are higher heights, there are deeper seas,
Whatever you need to do, Lord do in me.
The Glory of God fills my life,
And I will never be the same again.
I grew up in a “Christian home.” Divorce. Sexual abuse. Family sin overlooked, swept under carpets. To silence reality, I enrolled in the masquerade of life: sanctimonious services on Sunday, chaotic busyness to mindlessly carry me from day to day, too many practices and recitals and games to really invest anything substantial into anything or anyone. Hurry to school, hurry to work, hurry to this, hurry to that, hurry to bed so we can hurry and start all over again tomorrow!
The central message that I received from my church-going experience was that if you “clocked in” for enough functions that God would honor your “sacrificial service” and that grace would be applied to the areas of your life found lacking, thereby rendering you “worthy.” So I attended services, worked in Children’s Church, sang in the youth choir and diligently knocked on door after door of my town asking that “oh-so-piercing” question, “If you were to die tonight, are you one hundred percent sure that you would go to heaven?” I remember once being asked by a depleted woman with a toddler on her leg, a baby on her hip and another child howling in the background, “How do you know?” And I remember looking at my “Witness Team” partner, my mind scrambling for an answer, thinking, “They didn’t go over this in the evangelism seminar!!” I also recall the various evangelists and speakers that made their way through our pulpit sharing their redemption from drugs and alcohol and other such elicit sins. I thought to myself, “I guess I don’t really have a ‘testimony’ since I have never experienced those prisons of sin that they refer to.” I couldn’t relate to the song above, “I will never be the same again,” but I thought it was just ‘like that’ for privileged church kids like myself.
Beth Moore states in her book, Breaking Free, that she didn’t realize that she was in bondage until God began to set her free. I can reflect back on life as a teenager and into early adulthood and see my steady spiral downward as I exploited every blessing in life seeking validation and purpose. I got pregnant at 16, married at 17, three kids by 20. I was doing my best to live the “Christian life” like I had been taught – be there when the doors were open, serve in ministries, keep your happy face on! But I was angrier and lonelier and more bitter than ever. I would like to say that those emotions were the secret thoughts of my heart when I couldn’t sleep at night, but as the truth of Luke 6:45 states: “The good man out of the good treasure of his heart brings forth what is good; and the evil man out of the evil treasure brings forth what is evil; for his mouth speaks from that which fills his heart.” Do you want to know what really filled my heart? “I can’t believe she sat by her in service instead of me! I bet she is mad at me. I think they were even talking about me after church!” And “How dare he give that solo to her. We both know that I sing better!” Those egocentric, destructive attitudes began to spill over into my ministries and my relationships. Add that to the mounting pressures of motherhood times three at such a young age – my castles of sand began to crumble.
Then one Sunday late in September a couple years ago, I met Jesus. Because of the souring of relationships at our existing fellowship, I [wrongfully] demanded that our family leave. So we were visiting a new church. As soon as the visiting revivalist at the church began his sermon, the Holy Spirit began whispering His own message into my heart. While I didn’t receive all the answers within that hour service, I knew enough to see that my entire life of pain and frustration and emptiness had led me to that moment, to that sermon, to that encounter with God. I knew then, “I don’t understand what is happening here, but I have to come back and get more!” So we returned to that revival crusade on Sunday night…and on Monday night…and on Tuesday night…every night for two weeks! As I reflect back on that sacred time, I can’t tell you which night’s sermon was the “moment of salvation” for me, but I can tell you that I will never be the same again! For the first time, I really saw God in all His majesty and power and sovereignty. I was broken beneath the weight of my sinfulness and the magnitude of Jesus’ sacrifice. I poured my heart out before the throne of grace and found true salvation. In that place of brokenness I was freed from the prisons of pride and bitterness and selfishness that I didn’t even realize I was in!
Seventh Grade.
September 1, 2005
That young man went on to sow his wild oats and rebel against that church for as long as his mama made him come. Eventually, he dropped out of school, moved out of his house, and strayed away from the church altogether. Years later, he was spotted in a church again, but this time, he was humble and searching. Where he was first rejected based on his outward attire, this time he was warmly received and accepted. He genuinely encountered Jesus in all His majesty, was nurtured through the authentic love of true believers, and his life was transformed. He continued on to seminary and is now a youth pastor using his testimony to impact lives. The moral of this story? True Christianity –sincere love, undeserved forgiveness, and deeply rooted significance – flows from within. It is not rules that we follow or a mask that we adorn. As a seventh grader, I knew that our youth pastor’s stringent words were hardening that boy’s heart. “First, you must conform to this list of rules! But when you fit our mold – come, let me introduce you to my Jesus!”
When we endorse a superficial code of conduct within the church body, we are proliferating Satan’s conspiracy to send people to hell – by offending one half to the extent that they never darken the entrance of a church again, and by keeping the other half blindly unsaved as they comfortably fill the pews of our churches in their suits and ties.
“The god of this world has blinded the minds of the unbelieving so that they might not see he light of the gospel of the glory of Christ, who is the image of God.”
I am deeply concerned for the cause of Christ in a culture where falsehood abounds. I am as concerned for the dying church as I am for the dying world.
“My heart’s desire and my prayer to God for them is for their salvation. For I testify about them that they have a zeal for God, but not in accordance with knowledge. For not knowing about God’s righteousness and seeking to establish their own, they did not subject themselves to the righteousness of God. For Christ is the end of the law for righteousness to everyone who believes.”
Seventh Grade.
September 1, 2005
That young man went on to sow his wild oats and rebel against that church for as long as his mama made him come. Eventually, he dropped out of school, moved out of his house, and strayed away from the church altogether. Years later, he was spotted in a church again, but this time, he was humble and searching. Where he was first rejected based on his outward attire, this time he was warmly received and accepted. He genuinely encountered Jesus in all His majesty, was nurtured through the authentic love of true believers, and his life was transformed. He continued on to seminary and is now a youth pastor using his testimony to impact lives. The moral of this story? True Christianity –sincere love, undeserved forgiveness, and deeply rooted significance – flows from within. It is not rules that we follow or a mask that we adorn. As a seventh grader, I knew that our youth pastor’s stringent words were hardening that boy’s heart. “First, you must conform to this list of rules! But when you fit our mold – come, let me introduce you to my Jesus!”
When we endorse a superficial code of conduct within the church body, we are proliferating Satan’s conspiracy to send people to hell – by offending one half to the extent that they never darken the entrance of a church again, and by keeping the other half blindly unsaved as they comfortably fill the pews of our churches in their suits and ties.
“The god of this world has blinded the minds of the unbelieving so that they might not see he light of the gospel of the glory of Christ, who is the image of God.”
I am deeply concerned for the cause of Christ in a culture where falsehood abounds. I am as concerned for the dying church as I am for the dying world.
“My heart’s desire and my prayer to God for them is for their salvation. For I testify about them that they have a zeal for God, but not in accordance with knowledge. For not knowing about God’s righteousness and seeking to establish their own, they did not subject themselves to the righteousness of God. For Christ is the end of the law for righteousness to everyone who believes.”
